How to become your own best friend.
Idiot! Why are you so stupid? You messed up again! What is wrong with you?!
If you overheard someone yelling these words at someone in the street you’d think OMG what is their problem, what a jerk, how can they speak to anyone like that!? And I would think the same, I’d think get away from that toxic person immediately, you don't have to put up with being spoken to like that no matter what has happened.
Yet these are the words I would tell myself on a daily basis. A simple accident like knocking over a glass of water, or perhaps I forgot to get a friend's birthday card in the mail in time for the special day, snoozing the alarm and now I’m running late again. Little things that in the grand scheme of life, don't really matter.
But in that moment, instead of thinking ‘oops’ I can automatically go into a knee jerk reaction of anger and insults, I’ve raked myself over the coals, I’ve towered over a weaker version of myself and rained down harsh words that wound and leave terrible damage.
And here’s the kicker, I would NEVER speak to a friend in this way.
NEVER in a million years. EVER.
Yet I’ve done it to myself daily. Multiple times a day.
And when I ask myself questions like ‘what is wrong with you?!’ My mind has no problem showing me my own personal home movie, which highlights all my flaws, brings up all my regrets, my darkest moments for me to relive on the big screen and glorious technicolour on repeat.
And it makes me feel like shit. It can turn a simple oops moment into a bad moment, a bad day, even a bad week on occasion! It will affect the way I treat my husband, my children and my whole outlook for the day. And it's because I am no longer living in my truth, of who I am, I’m living in my fear. Fear of not being good enough and unworthy of love.
What if you could catch those toxic words in your head?
Stop them before they cause more damage? What if you could be kinder to yourself and treat yourself like you would a friend and in doing so what if you could heal the wounds of the past? What kind of day would you have if you were routing for yourself to succeed, celebrating your wins throughout the day, reminding yourself of how amazing you truly are, just like you would a friend. What if we could notice the mean voices as they start to chastise us and from the wise words of one of my favourite empowering singers P!nk we could: ‘change the voices in your head, make them like you instead.’
By becoming aware of the way in which we speak to ourselves,
the language we use, the harsh words we say, by noticing that mean girl and her hate campaign, stopping her before she’s let loose to run wild. We can become free to change the way we want to feel, how we want to live moving forward. Once we are aware of these thoughts, we can see that this routine of beating ourselves up everyday, demanding total perfection, the; ‘it’s either perfect or its wrong’ mentality, this way of thinking doesn't serve us, it drives us further away from our true selves.
And I know it isn't easy to change.
It takes discipline everyday to create new ways of thinking. Setting up loving daily rituals, that will fill you up with self love, will involve carving out time for yourself that is uninterrupted and will take dedication, massive action and self discipline and a belief that you deserve this. As I said it isn't easy to change the way you’ve been talking to yourself your whole life. But it can be life changing. And I should know. My life changed dramatically since I’ve taken control of the mean girl in my head. I’m happier, more confident and I am no longer drowning in fear. After implementing loving daily practises, I went after my goals and dreams and I didn't allow my fear to make excuses for me any longer. I am in no way perfect, but I am making progress. I am growing, learning new things, I am excited for the future and best of all I’ve got my own back, I’m routing for me!
And my mean girl?
She still tries to show up from time to time, but now I know how to handle her. How to love her and the way I see her isn't mean any more. She's just like everyone on this planet, wanting to be loved for who she is. And for me that's the key, that’s been hiding in plain sight this whole time. Accepting me as I am, flaws and all. Discovering the intent behind my inner mean girls words and knowing that however messed up it seems, she is actually trying to protect me from being hurt, by keeping me small all those years to stop the risk of me feeling the pain of failure. She worried if people would still love us if we fucked up, would they support us or abandon us? I tell her that I will still love us, no matter what. We have all the love we need we need inside, if we are brave and vulnerable enough to nurture that love and let it grow like wild flowers.
Brené Brown sums this up beautifully:
“Authenticity is a daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to to be and embracing who we are.”
So my advice? Drop the pursuit of perfection, there is no such thing, it's a myth. Start loving yourself from the inside, that's where we create lasting change. It’s ok if you don't have all the answers, asking for help isn’t a weakness, it's a strength, honouring yourself enough to dream big and get out there and live your life, we only get one, I intend to live my in love and not fear, who’s with me?
