Oh, Where have you been hiding lately?
Today I woke up with Ben Howard's awesome song 'The Wolves' playing in my head. Particularly the line 'Oh, Where have I been hiding lately?'
I look around. Hmmm ASOS parcels.
Lots of ASOS parcels. Shit... I'm doing it again.
Damn, I have been hiding behind shiny new purchases from my favourite online shop, again. Because online Shopping very rarely lets me down when I need a pick me up. The thrill of the search, the satisfaction of the add to basket click, the checkout with Klarna and not worry how to pay for the shiny goodness for 30 days and knowing it will arrive without fail tomorrow... Is so satisfying because I deserve this! I need this reward. This will make me feel happy.
And it does. The parcel arrives, the anticipation of it's glorious contents is pure bliss! I am more ruthless these days with my buys, unless I Love it it's going back... I love it all of course. I will figure out how to pay for it later - it will be fine.
This is the process I have used for years as soon as I got my first credit card at the age 18. I self sooth with retail therapy a lot, when I feel lacking. When I feel overwhelmed. When I feel stressed. When I am happy. When I am bored.
And it works for a couple of days. But then I find yet an another email from my drug of choice pop into my mail box exclaiming: ‘20% off!’ ‘NEW IN! BOOTS TO DIE FOR!’ I'm hooked! This will make me feel happy again! And the cycle starts again.
I have done a lot of work on my vices and wow there are many! I love to shop and there is nothing wrong with treating yourself and feeling confident in your new clothes. But when it becomes your go to quick fix, which actually doesn't fix anything, gets you into debt and you still feel the void, you have to ask yourself what am I hiding from?
For me shopping was a distraction from listening to the nagging inner voice that I was made for more than this. It was my inner intuition telling me something is missing from my life, I had been playing small. I tried to fill that void with 'things' as that is what we as women are told will make us feel happy and content.
Because I was playing small, I was staying small and here’s the thing. Something was missing, and I wanted more but I felt fearful of the unknown. Self doubt was the soundtrack of my life, was I worthy or good enough to deserve more? Who the fuck did I think I was to want more? I was so ungrateful, I had a wonderful life. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? And if I could get past these thoughts, the next one was even worse: What was it that was missing? How was I going to find out what it was and where do I even start? These questions are scary and they usually come when we know we cannot go on a second longer doing things the way we have been doing them for so long. They do not work. They do not serve us. They do not set our souls on fire.
It takes a lot of soul searching, a lot of self enquiry and delving deep. It's amazing, it's hard, its life changing. I couldn't recommend personal development more. So when I see lots of ASOS parcels, I know its time to look at what I'm hiding from, time to listen to the inner voice and uncomfortable feeling, that is trying to guide me toward what my soul really needs. Because I am my inner guide and so are you.
Where have you been hiding lately?
